Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
