the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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