you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
