I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
