upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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