smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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