i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
