I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
