I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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