I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
