just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
