I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
