You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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