ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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