There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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