I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I am one with the molecules
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
