we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
