i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
