i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
