I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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