I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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