I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
