i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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