Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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