Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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