I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
