I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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