Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
