Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
