Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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