a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
