Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
