My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
