My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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