She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
