Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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