I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize