I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I wish you could order shots online.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
