just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize