Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
