I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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