Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
It's rum buckets o'clock
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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