If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
