Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
