When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
