Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize