It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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