just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
