You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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