Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I think I just sharted jello shots
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