I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
