What did we do last night that was yellow?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
