So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Can Purell be used as lube?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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