You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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