i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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