just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I want a musical about memes.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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