just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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