I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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