i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
