My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
sarcasm needs its own font
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
