So drunk its hurt
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
