I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
