grandma shit on top of the toilet
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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